It’s amazing how you can look back on a neglected blog and see so much and so little all at the same time.
My world has changed.
Flipped on its head.
2013 was probably the best year my family has ever experienced. My parents moved back from Israel, my siblings were all back in the same state, my best friend moved back to within an afternoon’s visit drive and Master G survived switching teachers 3 times in the first quarter of school without much commotion and Baby A made it through another year without an ER trip! The hubby and I even took our first vacation since our honeymoon and it was amazing!
Two weeks after we got home from our trip I noticed something was different about how my husband was acting while he was home. He was distant, more distant than ever. He was coming home later, and later, and was very secretive about his time away. So I asked him what was wrong. And he unloaded a bomb on me.
He was done. Tired. Emotionally, physically and with trying to keep our marriage together. Now, I’m not going to lie and say that I wasn’t in the same place, but I wasn’t planning on acting on it. I’d been in that place several times… and I mean SEVERAL. But I’d made a commitment and covenants with The Lord to do everything I could to make my marriage work.
I’d tried. And tried, and tried.
Was I the happiest wife every single day? Was I excited that he had traded in his life as a parent and husband for a life as a figure skater, coach and partner to two peppy younger women? Was I ok with the fact that he never wanted to spend time with us, and when he was home he slept most of the time? Was I happy with the fact that he kept trying to tell me I was beautiful only to turn around and completely ignore me and deny me love and affection? Did that cause insecurity and distrust? Did that cause me to hate when he would be home?
Oy… It’s amazing how life turns. I’d always wondered what it would have been like had I not married Chris. Had we not gotten blessed with our beautiful little boys? And here it was… that answer. I told him I wanted to work it out. I wanted our family to be a family… forever. That I loved him.
And then things got worse. I found things that disturbed me. Things that made me feel like everything I’d been living had been a complete joke. Like he’d been thinking about leaving me for a really long time. And he had. Years…. every single day since our wedding day. Doubt and insecurity swept through me. Fear and hatred and anger. Despair and grief. I felt completely betrayed and lied to. And it all came to a head one Sunday when he left church early to go hang out with a friend who is also having marital issues almost as bad as ours (all of his close friends are either going through a divorce or thinking about leaving their wives), and I got an overwhelming feeling to leave, to take my boys and escape to the only safe place I knew. He was angry with my baby, he was venting about me.
Me. The wife who had her life overturned when she quit school to pay for the house that they both agreed on and the car that he went and researched and had me test drive without much discussion with me. The wife who had to give up her friends and family because he didn’t like them. The wife who was secluded when the car he just had to have got repossessed two days before Christmas. The wife who packed up her home solo while taking care of a newborn and toddler to move to his Grandpa’s basement out in the middle of nowhere, still without a vehicle and no friends. The wife who asked to move to a house closer to her sons school so she wouldn’t be in her car all day every day now that she had one again that worked sometimes. The wife who found a way to fill in the gaps in the budget, spent her birthday money on things for the boys and husband. The wife who agreed with everything that her husband said so she wouldn’t rock the boat. Wouldn’t cause a fight because she knew she couldn’t hold her own with someone who spent his days researching and calculating just for such a battle and it wasn’t worth the commotion. The wife who faced rejection night after night for years…
I wasn’t happy. No lie. I was beat down. Pushed to my limit. Suffocated. Yes, he gave me everything I asked for. But I didn’t ask for much because I didn’t want to stress him further than he should be stressed. I didn’t want much for myself from him because I wanted him to have what he needed to be happy. I was watching him grow and blossom and all the while I was squashed. I was happy for him, but gave nothing to myself even though he asked because I knew it would be more than our marriage and family could take.
I was terrified to tell our kids. I was so scared of what this will do to them. I look at kids from broken homes and it scares me what this could do to them. They are brilliant and full of so much potential and I worried that this would kill their spirits. But I know that if I continue on as a broken down housewife in a loveless marriage they’ll just perpetuate the cycle. They’ll learn that dismissing and disrespecting your wife is how a marriage should be. They’ll learn that a wife and mother should always be angry and upset and scared of what is next to come. They will learn that being selfish and depressed is the only way to exist. To only give half an effort in all but the only thing you love is right… and it’s not.
After I fled to my parents with the kids, he shut down. He got really angry and finally opened up. He’d never wanted to marry me. He stayed with me out of guilt, pity and obligation. He didn’t want me to break again like I did after my missionary broke up with me. I felt that way to some degree. I thought he truly loved me. So I stayed with him. I put up with all the crap that he dealt me over the years, made myself who he wanted me to be, so that he’d continue to love me and accept me. But The Lord never told me that my answer was correct. But I picked him. The booger that he was. I picked him. I chose to stay with him, and I chose to continue my family with him. He was my life. I’m mourning the life I had dreamed we’d have. I’m mourning the dreams we were discussing just two weeks before he rocked our world.
But my world didn’t come crashing down. My boys world didn’t end. We’d been prepared, for years, to deal with him leaving. With him choosing himself over us. Over me. It’s a sad circumstance, but we are happier than we’ve ever been. We are joyful and dancing and singing and laughing. We are praying and studying scripture and enjoying the spirit of the Lord being able to reside in our home. There’s far less fighting, contention and stress. There’s stress, but its manageable, it’s easy stress. Is that possible??
I’m me again. I’m happy. I’m dancing in the car and the kitchen and singing along to songs again. I’m finding joy in the little moments of life. I notice the sunset, the beauty of life again. I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore feeling alone or rejected. I feel loved and accepted and forgiven, by my Savior. I know I will find the love I was always deserving of. I just stood in my own way. I didn’t believe I was worth more than what I was getting before in life. And that’s so not true. Each of us is worth more love than we can ever comprehend. None of us deserves to live a miserable existence. We deserve to be happy, to be giddy, to look at the future with hope and pure joy.
I didn’t just get divorced… I was liberated. From my own pain, fear and despair.
I couldn’t have asked for a better gift.
Thank you to the man I spent 9 years with, who gave me my beautiful babies and an eternity with them. Who saw in me what I couldn’t. I hope you find the peace and joy you are searching for. You have amazing potential and I hope you can see that in yourself.
Love you all, and be prepared for me to come back full force! You won’t believe the fun I’ve been up to!