Life – what a funny thing

It’s amazing how you can look back on a neglected blog and see so much and so little all at the same time.

My world has changed.

Flipped on its head.

2013 was probably the best year my family has ever experienced. My parents moved back from Israel, my siblings were all back in the same state, my best friend moved back to within an afternoon’s visit drive and Master G survived switching teachers 3 times in the first quarter of school without much commotion and Baby A made it through another year without an ER trip! The hubby and I even took our first vacation since our honeymoon and it was amazing!

Two weeks after we got home from our trip I noticed something was different about how my husband was acting while he was home. He was distant, more distant than ever. He was coming home later, and later, and was very secretive about his time away. So I asked him what was wrong. And he unloaded a bomb on me.

He was done. Tired. Emotionally, physically and with trying to keep our marriage together. Now, I’m not going to lie and say that I wasn’t in the same place, but I wasn’t planning on acting on it. I’d been in that place several times… and I mean SEVERAL. But I’d made a commitment and covenants with The Lord to do everything I could to make my marriage work.

I’d tried. And tried, and tried.

Was I the happiest wife every single day? Was I excited that he had traded in his life as a parent and husband for a life as a figure skater, coach and partner to two peppy younger women? Was I ok with the fact that he never wanted to spend time with us, and when he was home he slept most of the time?  Was I happy with the fact that he kept trying to tell me I was beautiful only to turn around and completely ignore me and deny me love and affection? Did that cause insecurity and distrust?  Did that cause me to hate when he would be home?

Oy… It’s amazing how life turns. I’d always wondered what it would have been like had I not married Chris. Had we not gotten blessed with our beautiful little boys? And here it was… that answer.  I told him I wanted to work it out. I wanted our family to be a family… forever. That I loved him.

And then things got worse. I found things that disturbed me. Things that made me feel like everything I’d been living had been a complete joke. Like he’d been thinking about leaving me for a really long time. And he had. Years…. every single day since our wedding day.  Doubt and insecurity swept through me. Fear and hatred and anger. Despair and grief. I felt completely betrayed and lied to. And it all came to a head one Sunday when he left church early to go hang out with a friend who is also having marital issues almost as bad as ours (all of his close friends are either going through a divorce or thinking about leaving their wives), and I got an overwhelming feeling to leave, to take my boys and escape to the only safe place I knew. He was angry with my baby, he was venting about me.

Me. The wife who had her life overturned when she quit school to pay for the house that they both agreed on and the car that he went and researched and had me test drive without much discussion with me. The wife who had to give up her friends and family because he didn’t like them. The wife who was secluded when the car he just had to have got repossessed two days before Christmas. The wife who packed up her home solo while taking care of a newborn and toddler to move to his Grandpa’s basement out in the middle of nowhere, still without a vehicle and no friends. The wife who asked to move to a house closer to her sons school so she wouldn’t be in her car all day every day now that she had one again that worked sometimes. The wife who found a way to fill in the gaps in the budget, spent her birthday money on things for the boys and husband. The wife who agreed with everything that her husband said so she wouldn’t rock the boat. Wouldn’t cause a fight because she knew she couldn’t hold her own with someone who spent his days researching and calculating just for such a battle and it wasn’t worth the commotion. The wife who faced rejection night after night for years…

I wasn’t happy. No lie. I was beat down. Pushed to my limit. Suffocated. Yes, he gave me everything I asked for. But I didn’t ask for much because I didn’t want to stress him further than he should be stressed. I didn’t want much for myself from him because I wanted him to have what he needed to be happy. I was watching him grow and blossom and all the while I was squashed. I was happy for him, but gave nothing to myself even though he asked because I knew it would be more than our marriage and family could take.

I was terrified to tell our kids. I was so scared of what this will do to them. I look at kids from broken homes and it scares me what this could do to them. They are brilliant and full of so much potential and I worried that this would kill their spirits. But I know that if I continue on as a broken down housewife in a loveless marriage they’ll just perpetuate the cycle. They’ll learn that dismissing and disrespecting your wife is how a marriage should be. They’ll learn that a wife and mother should always be angry and upset and scared of what is next to come. They will learn that being selfish and depressed is the only way to exist. To only give half an effort in all but the only thing you love is right… and it’s not.

After I fled to my parents with the kids, he shut down. He got really angry and finally opened up. He’d never wanted to marry me. He stayed with me out of guilt, pity and obligation. He didn’t want me to break again like I did after my missionary broke up with me.  I felt that way to some degree. I thought he truly loved me. So I stayed with him. I put up with all the crap that he dealt me over the years, made myself who he wanted me to be, so that he’d continue to love me and accept me. But The Lord never told me that my answer was correct. But I picked him. The booger that he was. I picked him. I chose to stay with him, and I chose to continue my family with him. He was my life. I’m mourning the life I had dreamed we’d have. I’m mourning the dreams we were discussing just two weeks before he rocked our world.

But my world didn’t come crashing down. My boys world didn’t end. We’d been prepared, for years, to deal with him leaving. With him choosing himself over us. Over me. It’s a sad circumstance, but we are happier than we’ve ever been. We are joyful and dancing and singing and laughing. We are praying and studying scripture and enjoying the spirit of the Lord being able to reside in our home. There’s far less fighting, contention and stress. There’s stress, but its manageable, it’s easy stress. Is that possible??

I’m me again. I’m happy. I’m dancing in the car and the kitchen and singing along to songs again. I’m finding joy in the little moments of life. I notice the sunset, the beauty of life again. I don’t cry myself to sleep anymore feeling alone or rejected. I feel loved and accepted and forgiven, by my Savior. I know I will find the love I was always deserving of. I just stood in my own way. I didn’t believe I was worth more than what I was getting before in life. And that’s so not true. Each of us is worth more love than we can ever comprehend. None of us deserves to live a miserable existence. We deserve to be happy, to be giddy, to look at the future with hope and pure joy.

I didn’t just get divorced… I was liberated. From my own pain, fear and despair.

I couldn’t have asked for a better gift.

Thank you to the man I spent 9 years with, who gave me my beautiful babies and an eternity with them. Who saw in me what I couldn’t. I hope you find the peace and joy you are searching for. You have amazing potential and I hope you can see that in yourself.

Love you all, and be prepared for me to come back full force! You won’t believe the fun I’ve been up to!

Triana

First Day of First Grade – Thrifty Style

My oldest, G, started first grade last week! I couldn’t believe he was going to be in school all day! He was so excited and very ready to start, so when it came to taking pictures before school, I heard NO complaints!! That’s a rarity in this house, so I went with it and kept them to a minimum just to keep the peace. 08-21-2013 First day of First Grade-0873

G goes to a charter school so he dresses by the dress code, which is somewhat dull, but it makes mornings soooo much easier. We do have creative freedom with shoes, accessories, outerwear and backpacks. SO, during my thrifting last spring, I tried to pick up a couple of things that I knew he would love for this year.

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The shoes are Lakai Selects, he LOVES them and says they’re the most comfortable shoes ever! I couldn’t argue with the price since they were brand new when we picked them up, extra laces still attached in a zipper bag. $5 for a new pair of pretty expensive brand new skate shoes, I’ll take it!

08-21-2013 First day of First Grade-0877The backpack and lunch box are Pottery Barn from a couple of years ago. We have these awesome stores in Utah that carry Pottery Barn, Williams Sonoma, Sundance and other high end cast offs. Some of these are miss stitched backpacks, luggage, towels, bedding, etc. So when I saw these for $1.50 for the backpack and $2 for the lunchbox, I grabbed them and a set for my 2 year old, because as we all know if big brother has it, he has to have it too.  All of them had names stitched into them, but it only took about a half hour for all four pieces, some scissors, seam ripper and tweezers and you can only tell if you get SUPER close!

Love that back to school shopping didn’t cost me an arm and a leg! How did you keep costs down this “fall” season??

 

Friday Findings 08*23*13

Happy Friday!!! It’s another great weekend for thrifting! If you are near me, the cloud cover makes for a little relief from the scorching hot weather we have been having, which always makes for better rummaging!

The past couple weeks haven’t been SUPER successful at yard sales and I haven’t been able to hit the thrift stores as much as I’d like, my 6 year old isn’t super fond of running from store to store, but he started school on Wednesday and the little munchkin is a much better thrifting companion. Onto just a few of my finds this week: 

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Cute green suitcase to go with a couple of others under my boys new bunk beds for storage. (I’m thinking of filling them with bricks so they don’t try to go under the bed… stellar mom moment!)

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Aren’t these cameras cute?! I was so excited to find these last week at a yard sale for a whopping $1.50 total! The seller also said he had an entire garage full and he’d email me once he had the path cleared to them! creamandsugar

Yeah, I have a serious  milk glass addiction!

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I’m still holding out that my party pooper hubby will let me get a vintage glamper, he’s more of a “haul your stuff in, haul your stuff out, backpacking” kinda guy… so it might be a LONG time before I get one. BUT…. that doesn’t keep me from gathering up cute goods to put in said glamper!

english grammar

These framed pages from a grammar book were so cute, I could hardly resist… although, I have NOWHERE to put them. So into the resale pile they went. The date on them is 1826, UNREAL!

Plan book

My Daddy was a home builder for a good portion of my young adult life. It’s in my blood. I love house plans, looking at houses, not just for the decor but for the architecture and design aspect. So this screamed my name from a little box at a marching band yard sale.

Look at what my friend Brie found this week! Vintage postal scale. Serious cuteness!!! Thanks Brie!!!

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What did you find this week? Seriously, send me a link, email me a picture! I’d love to see!

I’m also thinking about starting a linky party on Fridays, whatcha think?

The Cottage on the Hill – Master Bedroom (before?)

 

Happy Tuesday! We’re finally getting things settled here, and just in time for school to start! Hope you all have had a fabulous summer and have hit at least a few yard sales to find fabulous treasures!!! I know I’ve found my fair share and they’re finding their homes around my house. Come see!!

This master bedroom is the only room in the house I’m not sure what to do with, so I’m going to start with it since it’ll probably have the biggest transformation. This room has this wonky window on the only wall the bed would fit. So, that’s my main challenge for the room. Any suggestions??

 

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These chairs were $5 a piece at a yard sale, and they were redone in a fabric I love, they were just done really poorly. The bones are great, and I think they’d look awesome in a deconstructed French style and I’m planning on doing it myself!… so be on the lookout for that post soon!

 

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The big pieces in this room were handed down, the dresser is from my childhood bedroom. I’m currently debating on keeping this dresser in this room or getting a long and low style dresser to replace it. That wall kinda screams for a longer dresser, right?

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I am in love with this little terrarium! I picked it up off the yard sale site right after we moved here and the little Jell-O molds are from a yard sale. Sadly, my succulents aren’t doing so well anymore, most of them have died off… anyone else have this problem???

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I still haven’t hung much on the walls in this room besides a few wedding pictures and the little saying that was in a wedding card from an old family friend.

Master-0662See what I mean about that window? Ok enough with the window. This room will be the first to get a makeover. Here’s my list of things I’d like to do!

 

* Reupholster the chairs with a tan linen

* New dresser

* Decoration for above the bed.

* New lamps for night stands.

* Curtain rod and curtains.

 

What have been your favorite room transformations lately?? Send me a link!

triana1

Friday Findings 7*26*13

I’ve been on a hunt for things to decorate the new hilltop cottage and I’ve been lucky to find some GREAT things at even more FABULOUS prices!

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Adjustable height table (retail price is about $100) for $10 from a yard sale!

072513 Friday Findings-0838My new sewing table, freshly refinished and distressed by an amazing artist – FREE well… traded for a photo shoot! The chair needs a lot of love, but I got it at a yard sale last weekend for $5.


EditedLove this little terrarium and the vintage jell-o molds under $10 for all.

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Couch that I’m going to be reupholstering soon for $30 off the Facebook Yard Sale site (seriously, if your area hasn’t caught onto this yet, start a page! Invite your friends! Get rid of your “junk” and make money doing it without the hassle of a yard sale! It’s seriously fabulous!)

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Chairs that I will be reupholstering as well. I picked them up from local yard sales for $5 a piece!

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Nice little clock that I picked up at a yard sale for $1

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Bird Cage picked up at a thrift store for $7. What I won’t show you is the one I picked up for $3… then sold for a nice little decorating profit!

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Sheet music for my studio wall… don’t judge the mess on the table, more finds and items I’m working on selling… see the little flowered tin in the back there? I picked that up for a quarter!

072513 Friday Findings-0834Bathroom jars – yard sales, thrift shop and the “tree” was a gift.

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And of course, MORE milk glass!

 

What did you find this week?? Leave me a link, I’d love to visit and see the goodies!!


triana1 

 

What’s been going on around here!

Well, lots and lots of changes have been happening around here keeping life exciting!

At the beginning of May, my men and I moved to a beautiful rental just a couple blocks from my son’s school. Up until then, we’d been driving a half hour each way to take him to school, so to find this beauty was such a blessing! We’re in the middle of summer vacation with so many activities and sleep in days!

What this house looked like before we got in.

Living Room/Dining Room

Living Room Collage

 

The Boys Room: That wall is gonna be a CHALLENGE!

BoysRoomKitchen and Dining Room

kitchen master bedroom

basement

There is so much space in this house! We feared not having enough furniture to fill it, but thankfully I’ve found some good deals and we did have enough to give this house some charm. My biggest challenge has been the vinyl sayings and pictures the last owner put all over the place. The basement is the only space that has escaped the vinyl madness.

While I think it’s sweet to put up motivational and inspirational sayings in your home, I am one of those people who likes different things all the time. That’s why chalk boards, printables and art prints appeal to me more than vinyl does. Vinyl seems a little permanent, even though I know it’s not, and it’s been done to death here in Utah, thus my aversion to it. We were given permission to pull down what we wanted, but I don’t want to change the house too much. There are a few that will stay (the huge saying in the boys room and the dandelion in the powder room… more pictures of that to come… and I’ve covered a few of them with larger paintings.) but the ones on the main floor will be coming down.

Stay tuned for updated pics of our new hilltop cottage!

triana1

Friday Findings * Instagram Style

I’ve been a little quiet… Lots going on, lots changing around these parts! But one thing hasn’t changed… I’m addicted to my local thrift shop! Here are some of my finds from the past few weeks. I’m thinking I would like to start having a linky party every Friday, but want to know if you, my fabulous readers, would be interested??? Let me know!

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Mail sorter. Love that I found this and how well it turned out despite my hasty painting.

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Vintage Pyrex. The multi-colored stripe one is rather rare. I even got the salt and pepper shakers with the original lids to match!

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Isn’t she cute!?!
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Vintage Dooney? Yes, I think so! She was buried beneath a pile of hats.

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This guy is going in my boys room! Redo to be debut’ed soon!!!

 

PS if you’d like to follow me on Instagram, I’d love to have you join me!! @TrilalaO

triana1

 

Christmas PJ’s 2012

We all have the tradition of Christmas PJ’s. Most open them Christmas Eve, and we used to as well, but this year I decided to do things a little different. I really wanted my kids to wear theirs to our family events and have pictures taken in them before the actual morning of Christmas. Because, let’s face it, not everyone looks their CoverGirl best on Christmas morning, and my boys are no exception. So, my boys got their jammies the first week of December, after bath time of course, so out came the camera!

I’ve always loved the catalog Chasing Fireflies. I have to black out the prices mentally, though, in order to look at the beyond adorable goodies. So, while trying to come up with an inexpensive solution to the Christmas Jammie situation for this year, I saw these plain pj sets at Target and immediately thought “MONOGRAM THOSE BABIES!” I picked up one size and then hunted down the other at another Target just shortly after Halloween (yes, Halloween.) Thankfully I have 4 at my disposal around my son’s school.

I hopped onto Etsy, picked up some wool felt in teal and when it arrived, I used my handy dandy freezer paper stencil,  Heat n’ Bond, hand stitch technique that I use for almost all my applique’d items.

The boys LOVE their jammies, would wear them every night if they could. And, they’re versatile enough to wear until it gets warm!

What did you do for Christmas PJ’s this year?